Self-Examination: Are You an Abusive Man?

or...

The Thirteen Deadly Questions

If you can answer yes to any of these questions then you may have a problem with abusive and violent behavior. If you abuse your wife, girlfriend, lover or any other family member, then you need to know a few things. Connecticut law, since 1986, (other states may have similar policies) demands your arrest if you are violent in the home. Under the law, violence not only includes physical abuse but threats and destruction of property. More and more, the court system looks at domestic violence more seriously and hands out more severe punishments: fines, jail time, etc.

And now you can make the alternative choices before the court makes the choices for you. You can commit to end your violence. NoVA offers individual and group counseling and education sessions for men who want to end their violence with their families. The counselors work to support your decision to stop the downward spiral of your life created by your violent actions.

1. Do you tend to use force or violence to solve your problems?

Do you have a quick temper? Do you over-react to little problems and frustrations, such as not finding a parking space, having a bad seat at the movies, or minor disagreements with your partner? Are you destructive when you are angry? Do you punch walls or throw things when your upset? Do you take your frustrations out on family pets? All of these actions can make other people afraid of you. Violent responses to real or imagined problems may bring short-term benefits but over time, violence is like a boomerang, destroying your life as well as the lives of people around you. And while life provides plenty of reasons for anger, anger and violence need not go hand in hand.

2. Do you abuse alcohol or other drugs?

Have you said hurtful things, broken household objects or physically attacked someone you care about while drinking or using drugs? Do you regret your actions once you have sobered up? When people mention your drinking do you immediately get defensive? Pay attention to the combination of drinking or other drugs and violence. The mixture can be deadly. Seek help for both problems, substance abuse and violence.

3. Do you insist on being right all the time?

Do you have difficulty admitting a mistake? Will you go a long way out of your way to cover over a mistake including lying, or being verbally or physically abusive? When someone points out a mistake or disagrees with you, will you continue to argue until you've 'won?' Believing we are always right or failing to admit our mistakes sets us up to constantly put everyone else down. When you try to stay on top, somebody must be put down.

4. Did you grow up in a violent family?

Families where boys have been abused as children, or where one parent - usually the father - beats the other, are more likely to become batterers or child abusers than someone who did not live in a violent home. Those who come from violent homes may claim that they will never behave that way, but they often resort to violence when faced with the problems of a relationship or parenting.

5. Do you think poorly of yourself?

Do you guard your masculinity by trying to act tough? Deep inside do you question your self-worth? Low self-opinion may set you up to blame your partner for things inside yourself that feel no good.

6. Do you have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman should be?

Do you think a woman should stay at home, take care of her husband and follow his wishes and orders? In other words, do you act like women are second-class citizens? Attitudes like these set you up to become violent when your partner expresses her own opinion or acts independently, like wanting to go back to school or to work.

7. Are you jealous not just of other men, but of her women friends and family?

Do you keep 'tabs' on your partner? Do you want to know where she is at all times? Do you want her with you all the time, even when it's inconvenient for you or your partner? While many people think jealousy is a natural part of love, when taken to extremes it only pushes the other person away.

8. Do you play with guns, knives or other lethal weapons?

Do you talk of using them against people? Do you ever threaten to use them to get even? Have you ever intimidated your partner with your past history of violence, display of a weapon or your knowledge of martial arts? If you attempt to 'act macho' and then claim it was just talk, remember people tend to remember your actions, not your words.

9. Do you expect her to follow your orders and advice?

Do you become angry if she doesn't fulfill your wishes, doesn't anticipate what you want? Can your partner say no to a request without an angry response from you? Demanding obedience from your partner pushes her further away and destroys any chance of a happy, mutual relationship.

10. Do you go through extreme mood/behavior swings, as though you are almost two different people?

Are you extremely kind at one time and extremely cruel at another time? Do you try to bribe your partner into forgetting abuse through flowers, gifts and other presents? Do you treat your partner and kids worse than you treat your friends, co-workers or even strangers? Many battered women say their partner is like Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde, extremely nice or extremely nasty. Sharp mood swings kill trust and keep your partner away because she can never know who you will be, Jekkyl or Hyde.

11. When you get angry, does she fear you?

Is your partner telling you things, even if they are not true, just to avoid your anger? Do your children run from you when you raise your voice? Do you expect people to do what you want when your angry? How you express your anger can scare people and make them feel intimidated by you.

12. Have you ever threatened your partner?

Have you ever said, "I'm going to kill you," "You better not leave or else...," "If I ever see you looking at another guy, I'm going to take you both out!"? Death threats or threats of violence are not just words. When we threaten, we intimidate to gain control over someone else. Often, in the end, threats push someone to do exactly what we don't want them to do.

13. Do you treat your partner roughly?

Have you hit, slapped, pushed or choked your partner? Have you physically forced her to what she did not want to do? Once the violence starts, it usually doesn't end until one person or the other leaves or is dead, or if you go and seek help for your violence. There are groups available for men who want to stop their violence.