Issues in Family Violence

Summer 2003

Non-Violence Plans: Measuring a Batterer's Commitment to Change

John Went

Mark, a 42- year old client of mine, stops in about once a month for what he calls a "check-up." I have known him for about five years. He found our program through his own efforts to end his abusiveness, which began with a year in standard mental health treatment by a psychologist. At our first meeting he said that the psychologist was initially helpful but he did not give him enough direct help about his tendency to violence.

The short version of Mark's violence and abuse goes like this: As a teenager, he became addicted to alcohol and was arrested and convicted of sexual assault on a girl who was several years younger than him. Mark remembers nothing of the incident due to his substance abuse, but believes it to be true. He spent several years in prison where he stopped using alcohol but continued to develop his need for power and control.

The most striking incident he remembers was a fight in which he beat up his second wife (he has had three) and then attempted to bury her alive in the back yard. He was arrested on a minor charge for this (probably breach of peace) and served no time.

Mark has a learning disability, which makes it difficult for him to read. He also has trouble sorting out multiple thoughts or emotions, and becomes very confused if he has to manage, cognitively or emotionally, more than one concept at a time. Partly in response to this, he has become very obsessive-compulsive.

Mark arrived at my group just at the beginning of a new relationship with a woman who will be referred to as Jennifer. Mark was already in love but fearful of entering a deep relationship, given what he had done to women before. Although he committed himself to Jennifer, there were numerous incidents of abuse. Most were verbal and emotional, but one time he threw a hunting knife at her with the intention of hurting her. Ultimately he married Jen and was subsequently divorced.

The other day he asked me about the Non-Violence Plan that he had done while a member of a men's group. Wee were discussing the significant progress he made in the past two years. In his newest relationship, which is about one year old, there has been no violence or abuse, and his main concern is his occasional control over her need for increased intimacy (such as moving in together).

Had he accomplished his plan? Was this the reason why his life was becoming simpler and more manageable?

At NoVA, Non-Violence Plans are a batterer's self-determined goals for change. They include specific steps to achieve a life of non-violence and self-control. We ask each man to think of how he will "be" after six months in his group. These long term goals will will be stated in positive terms (e.g., "I will listen to my wife if she talks to me" rather than "stop screaming at her"). These goals are written on a sheet of paper visible to the rest of the group. Group members or leaders will encourage the man to think about his goals and may ask him questions that will promote clear thinking, but the actual specific goals will be absolutely determined by the man himself.

The second part of the Non-Violence Plan consists of short-term goals directly relevant to each long-term goal. I asked Mark when he was working on his: "What do u need to do tonight to accomplish this goal?" Again, other men in the group can make suggestions but the final list has to be what Mark himself believes he can accomplish. Mark's plan is shown below.

Since the Non-Violence Plan becomes a part of the group, changes can be made at any time, especially if abuse continues in spite of the goals. In Mark's case he noticed that the first long-term goal's specific actions did not include any specifics of what 'set him off.' So he added the following short-term goal: Jen questions me, Not feeling good, Want to be left alone, Say I need space- nicely.

He also put down another long-term goal that he was unable to work on at that time. It looked like this on his Plan: Be more vulnerable- not yet.

For group leaders, the Plan becomes a measure of the man's commitment to change. Mark's plan was positive, clear, and focused on specific areas in which he had difficulty throughout his life and in all his relationships. With his learning disability he needed to learn about, and sort out, specific things that confused him and caused him to be defensive.

With his need for control over his partners, he needed to look inwardly at himself and his motives before reacting to situations. And finally, he needed to learn how to increase his connections with others by letting down his personal defenses, thereby "becoming more vulnerable."

Less committed men may have their Plan determined by others ("Don't get arrested") or may be limited to minimal change ("Learn to relax"), or be stated in negative terms ("Stop yelling"). As useful as these goals are to their partners, it is unlikely that a limited commitment will produce significant lasting change in controlling behavior.

As an example, Steve developed the Non-Violence Plan below.

Steve had an idea what being patient meant but included the concept of "ignoring" in his need for patience. When we pointed out that Sandra might not appreciate being ignored, Steve couldn't comprehend that possibility. As with other abusive men, he has a hard time understanding the pain he is causing his partner.

In addition, he could not get behind the notion of being Sandra's partner, even with supportive questions from others in the group. No matter how many times we came back to the concept of partnership during Steve's participation in the group, he was never able to develop short-term goals to become a partner. In the end he left the group believing he needed to continue to be "in charge" of Sandra, and she was notified of his lack of change. He continued to be violent, Sandra took the children, left him, and they are now divorced.

As you might expect, Mark worked on his initial goals and is using this to succeed in his newest relationship. His commitment continued with his additional goal of "being more vulnerable." In addition to sticking with his non-violence counseling, he found an AA meeting to attend (even though he hadn't had a drink in sixteen years) and attended a "rebirthing" workshop. Most importantly to attain the vulnerability goal was his decision to find a spiritual connection in his life. Mark's choice was a Native American spiritual "coach." Through solitary meditations in the woods, and intense sweat lodge experiences, he loosened his overly tight personal boundaries that he had spent a lifetime developing.

Mark's own self-report, after reviewing his Non-Violence Plan, was that he was about about fifty percent. He feels he has the most work to do on the "be more vulnerable" goal but enjoys the fact that he has a sense of humor. Unlike Steve, he sees his quest for non-violence to be a lifetime of work, with constant "check-ups" on his attitude, and a need to focus on his goals forever.

Each part of the community around an abusive man has its goals for him. Non-Violence Plans put the emphasis on the man's own goals for himself, so he can set his sights on a life without abuse. The seriousness of his own commitment can be seen in his publicly stated plans and the intensity by which he undertakes the day-to-day action required to attain his goals.

(c) 2003, The Non-Violence Alliance. Permission to reprint with the following information "Originally published in Issues in Family Violence, Volume 5, Issue 1, Summer 2003, The Non-Violence Alliance, www.endingviolence.com."